


the dramatic diary of kim kibum

by linnhe



Category: SHINee
Genre: Coming of Age, Diary/Journal, M/M, Secret Crush, brief mention of sexual intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:53:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29096817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linnhe/pseuds/linnhe
Summary: In honour of Shinee's comeback, I'm archiving all my Shinee fics. They are the reason I started sharing my writing publicly and I'm grateful for the artistic journey they inspired. I'm proud of the progress I've made since, so I've decided to preserve my history as a writer before LJ shuts down and these pieces are lost forever.Orginally postedhere
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key, Kim Kibum | Key/Lee Taemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	the dramatic diary of kim kibum

**Author's Note:**

> In honour of Shinee's comeback, I'm archiving all my Shinee fics. They are the reason I started sharing my writing publicly and I'm grateful for the artistic journey they inspired. I'm proud of the progress I've made since, so I've decided to preserve my history as a writer before LJ shuts down and these pieces are lost forever.
> 
> Orginally posted [here](https://linnhe.livejournal.com/26468.html)

_friday 7th of march_

jonghyun, you know how i told you i didn’t like you? i’m not saying it’s not true but it’s probably not true, i mean, i really don’t like you but there’s also that thing where every time i see you there’s nothing about you that i don’t find utterly endearing… so… there’s that i guess.

_thursday 20th of march_

sometimes i see small edges of you that i think other people don’t see, not because they’re invisible but because you have to be looking in a certain kind of way. it really makes me angry that i can see this stuff, everything would be a lot easier if i couldn’t.

_friday 21st of march_

today you laughed at something and your voice was deep and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up

_saturday 5th of april_

there’s a lot about you that i like. i wish all of these aspects were physical so i could just write the whole thing off as something sexual, but i counted and only about half are physical. actually, i rarely think about things like kissing you or holding you, which i think is what crushes usually go like? i’m not sure

_sunday 6th of april_

after rereading my last entry i feel like i should add in a clarification; i do think about holding you sometimes – not all of you though, just your hand, or like a single finger. sometimes i wonder what your hands feel like, if they’re dry or warm or cold or clammy…

incidentally, your hands are one of my favourite parts about you.

_monday 7th of april_

i really like the way your fingernails are shaped. ~~when we were still desk mates sometimes i’d pretend to be reading something really concentratedly but actually i was staring at your hands.~~

i can’t believe i just wrote something so creepy ugh what is wrong with me

_tuesday 8th of april_

(i really like the colour of your eyes too)

_wednesday 16th of april_

today sucks.

_wednesday 30th of april_

we made eye contact and it was a little awkward for a second but then we exchanged a smile and very briefly it felt like before this whole thing started. you pointed at my yellow ribbon pin and held up your thumbs. i wish i could go back to feeling normal

_friday 30th of may_

i haven’t written in a while but it’s only because i realized literally nearly every entry this year has been about you and i felt like i should take some time away from pondering this shit, like, it’s probably making it worse? probably

_monday 2nd of june_

things have been getting better recently, i no longer feel like my heart is gonna reach its limit every time we interact, now i’ve been left with this low kind of buzz in the pit of my stomach, which still sucks but i’ll take it over whatever was going on before. i think you’ve noticed i’ve changed because you sat with me at lunch today. or you didn’t notice at all and i’m just imagining you are because this stuff is literally all i can think about. is this what crushes are like?

_wednesday 4th of june_

there’s this guy in my cram school, his name is taemin, and he’s cute in that clueless kind of way i guess. any way he started talking to me a couple of weeks back and i’ve been shooting him down gently ever since but he is really not getting the message. either he’s pretty dim or really desperate for a friend (honestly i think it’s the first one, he doesn’t seem like an unpopular person. why am i wasting all this ink on him)

_thursday 5th of june_

i kissed taemin today. WHY did i do that ugh fuck

_friday 6th of june_

taemin wasn’t present for cram school tonight thank god i don’t think i can ever face him again. and i almost told you about it over lunch today but then i realized we really don’t know each other that well anymore and i couldn’t predict how you’d react and then i got nervous and chickened out. i always thought i was an outright kind of guy but guess not… there’s really not a lot i like about myself currently (why did i kiss taemin???????????)

_thursday 26th of june_

i will say one thing for this whole taemin debacle; you don’t seem half as appetizing now. it’s not that i like him more than you (that’s not it at all), but having learned how easy it is to duplicate the experience of a first kiss makes you seem less important in comparison. maybe a kiss is a kiss is a kiss; since i got taemin’s first kiss and nothing changed

_friday 27th of june_

maybe taemin was lying though. i’ve learned he does that a lot.

_monday 11th of august_

today during the test for group work i got another chance to look at your hands, and it was such a gloomy discovery when i realized they had lost what made them special to me… actually, they were probably very much the same. is this what the end of a crush feels like? as stressful as an experience as this has been, i’m kind of sad to see it go now

_monday 1st of september_

taemin confessed to me!! and i shot him down... for once he didn’t seem to have any trouble getting it the first time. i really don’t like him and i know it was for the best because of that, so why do i feel so bad?

_tuesday 2nd of september_

today you told me a story and your eyes lit up as you told it and my heart went ba-dump, like i actually felt the two separate parts of the beat; what the hell? i thought i left this all behind me? when will i stop liking you? where is the off-switch on all of this??

the story was really stupid too

_wednesday 3rd of september_

ughhhhhhhhhh

_tuesday 9th of september_

so i came up with a plan over chuseok. i’m going to kiss you again. and it won’t be for a stupid dare this time either, i’m going to do it properly and planned out and with intent and then this stupidity will be sorted out once and for all THIS PLAN IS GOING TO WORK

_wednesday 10th of september_

didn’t kiss jonghyun today

_thursday 11th of september_

didn’t kiss jonghyun today

_friday 12th of september_

didn’t kiss jonghyun today

_saturday 13th of september_

didn’t kiss jonghyun today. i’m a coward.

_tuesday 16th of september_

kissed jonghyun today, behind a wall of lockers. it was awkward and not magical... maybe i really am over it (((god willing))).

_monday 29th of september_

kissed taemin again today, after class. he turned me on. i feel so guilty now, although i don’t know why. i’m confused

_saturday 4th of october_

i wonder what the hell we’ve even been talking about these past few months because i only learned today taemin is a catholic too, he even has a rosary ring and everything. his mom gave it to him. i guess i’ve never paid attention to his hands before?

_wednesday 8th of october_

taemin has weird fingernails.

_sunday 19th of october_

jonghyun stopped talking to me this week. i thought i’d be more upset over it than i am, that’s to say, i really am pretty upset over it but i’m fully aware that if this had happened when i was at the height of my crush i would’ve been gutted and probably would have died, maybe, so in comparison this is okay

_friday 24th of october_

taemin’s lips are something else. we haven’t discussed our latest kiss since it happened which is probably why i keep looking at his mouth without meaning to? because i keep thinking about it. is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? awkward encounter followed by awkwardly never addressing it

_sunday 26th of october_

i asked my aunt about it (since she’s the only person in my family not extremely middle-aged) and she said feeling awkward and confused is normal for teenagers. so that’s totally relieving (read: SARCASM)

_monday 17th of november_

~~i sucked taemin off~~ oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god i can’t stand it i’m going to burn this journal!!!! someone should give me a show called ‘BAD DECISION MAKING WITH YOUR HOST, KIBUM’ hahaha i’m such an asshole!!!!!!!!!!!

_tuesday 18th of november_

he asked me to become boyfriends again and i said no and he cried, like he cried he actually cried right there in front of me, i mean all i saw was the wetness in his eyes and then he quickly turned his head away and left, but –i feel so rotten. i’ve never felt this rotten in my life

_thursday 20th of november_

i haven’t written about this before since i thought it was kinda silly but jonghyun really made me cry a lot. i can’t believe i could do this to someone else. somehow it always felt like jonghyun was the one responsible for my tears, even though he didn’t really do anything. but i did a lot

_sunday 30th of november_

i think taemin changed schools… or changed his schedule so we wouldn’t be attending on the same evenings anymore… i don’t blame him… i don’t want to be near myself either right now

_monday 1st of december_

i wrote him a letter and left it in his locker at cram school. i didn’t sign it with our names in case he really did leave and a stranger reads it. did puberty suck every last bit of courage out of me? i don’t remember being this weak as a kid.

_wednesday 3rd of december_

there was a blank envelope in my locker today and i haven’t opened it yet, not because i don’t want to but i feel like i might throw up if i do. why am i this nervous? what if it’s just a random letter from school about tuition fees and i’m over here losing it over nothing  
– i read the letter. taemin said he appreciated the apology but really couldn’t afford to spend any more time with me. now i’m the one crying and i don’t know why, really. i think puberty took away all my reason, too

_wednesday 10th of december_

is this what despair feels like??? and i wish someone could tell me; does it feel different, each time you like someone new? i asked my aunt about it but she said she’s only had one serious crush before, and it was relating to her now-husband, so her information was useless.

_monday 29th of december_

i’ve been so convinced i didn’t like taemin because he didn’t make me feel the way jonghyun made me feel, before!! and i haven’t grown up with him and how could i like someone i barely know anyways, but now that he’s gone it feels like he’s left a hole in my heart. the end of my friendship with jonghyun never felt this terrible, and we used to be really close, like we had sleepovers and shit as kids?? so i don’t understand

_wednesday 7th of january_

i wrote taemin another letter, this time i used his name and everything. writing it is for sure the most embarrassing thing i’ve ever done, taemin seems twice as cool now for doing it face to face. anyways i had to, i had to tell him the complete truth, and confess (i squirmed so much writing that last word but yeah no more cowardice for me)

_thursday 8th of january_

he

wrote

back

and this time i know it’s him for sure because my name is on the envelope and i recognize his shitty handwriting which means i can’t even tell myself it’s nothing while opening it which makes it so much worse ugh my chest hurts  
– ALL THE LETTER HAD WAS HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER AND HIM ASKING ME TO CALL HIM FUCK

– i called. it was really awkward but i can’t stop grinning //// his voice gave me goose bumps. he said yes to meeting up after class and i was like ‘well is it just a meet up or do you still like me’ and he said the second one and so yeah this is probably going to be my final entry because i’m GOING. TO DIE.

_thursday 22nd of january_

hey lee taemin  
i really, really, really like you

_sunday 15th of february_

hey diary i know i haven’t written in you for a while but it’s because i’ve become a man, that is to say, i have a boyfriend now. his name is taemin, i think you’ve heard of him? lol

so basically i’m too busy making out to write in you a lot, i hope you’re not too upset. i’ll put you with my dictionaries, they’re a pretty attractive set of books? DON’T GOSSIP

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this gorgeous story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2268084)


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